Hi Dean,

You may well remember me as we went to school together, and as such, you added me as a friend on Facebook around eighteen months ago. We didn’t really talk much at school Dean and it would be a lie to claim you were a friend as such, but I remembered you as being a nice lad who didn’t do anyone any harm and so I accepted your friend request Dean.

Had I known however, Dean, that in the following eighteen months that I would get endless invitations to become a Pirate, Werewolf or Zombie then I might have thought twice about accepting your friend request. I don’t want to be a Pirate – I’m thirty one, Dean. I stopped wanting to be a pirate sometime around the age of five – sometime around the same time my attention switched to wanting to be a fire engine, and I never wanted to be either a Zombie or Werewolf at any stage of my life. Despite you inviting me probably nigh on a hundred and sixty times to be a Pirate / Werewolf / Zombie (among many other kind invitations), I’ve always declined. This isn’t me playing hard to get Dean, I just have other priorities in my life than gaining a virtual wooden leg. You might notice I reciprocally and ironically invited you to join a Facebook group called ‘I Don’t Want To Be A Fucking Zombie’, but I think this was lost on you.

Thanks also for the consistent offer of poker chips to play with Dean, very virtually generous of you. Again, you are nothing if not persistent on this front Dean, as you’ve probably sent me the virtual equivalent of the Bellagio’s vault over the course of the last year and a half and selfish old me has always declined your offer. I play poker Dean, hell – sometimes I’m even good at it and win money; but I like playing in a casino or with friends, in person, face to face. Maybe if we meet up in the future, for the first time in perhaps twenty years; ever since we left the Middle School and you went to the Colet and I went to the Floyd, we might play a hand or two of poker – but as things stand I really don’t want to play via Facebook.

Thanks also Dean for inviting me to take such a plethora of quizzes since we got in touch again – I never knew there were so many topics that quizzes could be based upon. ‘Swedish Bands’ is certainly quite niche as I can only think of one, but well done on your gaining 72% in the quiz before inviting me to join you. Well done also on your 59% on the quiz about bands before Nirvana; the 88% on Abbey Road trivia; and the outstanding 100% on ‘Name the Singer’ and the quiz on Take That (although your knowledge of the latter caused some slight consternation).

Finally Dean, thanks for throwing all those things at me over the last eighteen months – what started out as a food fight (apparently) with you throwing a pie at me quickly and hilariously escalated didn’t it Dean? Running through the list now in my mind, I think I’ve had a car, a cake, a snowball (when it snowed), some cocktails, a throne and a panda thrown at me. Pandas are endangered Dean, they’re not toys and shouldn’t be thrown. I have a vague memory of you also throwing Canada at me, but can’t be sure and have other things to do besides working out how exactly this would work.

So Dean, thanks for everything, really – but can you make it stop?